Top 10: People Who Just Won’t Go Away

You see them everywhere. You spend equal amounts of time scouring the headlines looking for them as you do loathing their appearance in the news. You find yourself thinking more about them than close relatives. We are collectively going off the rails, and it is because of our dysfunctional relationships with certain ex-celebrities, never-were-celebrities and ex-politicians who’s fifteen minutes of fame have lasted an eternity.

People who won’t go away come in two flavors: The people who won’t let go, choosing to remain in the spotlight through any means at their disposal, and the people we won’t let go, because we have entered into a dependent pathological-culture-wide addiction to their various hodge-podge of idiosyncracies.

We need to break the habit, and we can’t consult Dr Phil cause he’s one of ‘em, To help you to know the enemy, here are the top 10 people that just won’t go away.

Number 10: Dick Cheney

America is safer with me on the talk show circuit...

All of the sudden, the quiet architect of W’s presidency is all about defending the administration’s legacy…and he is chatty as hell… Going anywhere he can find a microphone, talking about how the world is unsafe in Pax Obama. The truth is we aren’t sure, but we kinda just need this guy to just go away for a while. W took the hint, he is off towel-snapping and guying around with his secret service detail in seclusion on the ranch in Crawford.

Number 9: People Who Were Once On Survivor

Visions of my naked ass will haunt you for the rest of your days...

We just can’t get enough of reality TV, where normal people with limited talent are thrust into humiliating social experiments for our viewing pleasure…it is the modern equivalent of gladiatorial combat and someone’s dignity is guaranteed to be slain weekly.

From the painful mental image of Richard Hatch’s naked ass in the original season to the ongoing stories of his tax problems…the only way to rid ourselves of these celeb survivors is reunite them for Survivor: Hungry Shark Tank.

Number 8: Rick Astley

Just when you think Rick Astley is gone, a seemingly innocent piece of email comes across your desk with a Youtube link. Suddenly, you are watching the music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up”. You have been Rick-rolled.

When your name becomes a verb, you know that you are firmly embedded in the popular culture. Are we ever going to give Rick up?

Number 7: Bill Clinton

I will hang around forever, and each time you hear me speak I will sound more and more like a grumpy old man...

Just when you think that you have escaped talk of “Whitewatergate” and his “distinguishing characteristic“, out pops Bill Clinton on the national political scene, a little older, a little grumpier but ready to stump for anyone who will give him a podium. His efforts with the Obama campaign probably helped him land his new role as UN Envoy to Haiti. Long story short: he isn’t going away soon.

Number 6: David Hasselhoff

Ex-Knight Rider, Baywatch star and international pop sensation David Hasselhoff remains in our collective subconscious simply because we have never been able to fully digest his brand of cheesy. He has acquired a sort of cult following on the internet because of this culture wide case of celebrity indigestion.

Prediction: Hasselhoff becomes a bona fide star again by taking a page out of William Shatner’s self-deprecating humor playbook. In short, “The Hoff” isn’t going away soon.

Number 5: Paris Hilton

Meets all the criteria of being a talentless celebrity

Non-celebrity celebrity checklist:

Iconic or powerful parents: check
Rehearsed red carpet pose: check
Sex tape: check
No distinguishable talent: check

Number 4: Gene Simmons

Blood-spitting, tongue wagging, demon of a self-promoter...

A key member of the biggest sellout band of all time, it is no wonder that Gene has continued to promote his icky self in any way possible. At least we have been spared the sex tape you say? Not so fast

Number 3: Sarah Palin and her family

Get used to these faces...

A role model for geographically challenged Presidential hopefuls, Sarah Palin burst on to the national political scene tall on spunk and family values, short on in-depth understanding of the issues.

Add a Beverly Hillbilly-esque shopping spree on the GOP dime and a daughter that done got knocked up out of wedlock (so much for family values) and you have the recipe for our perverse fascination.

Number 2: Octomom

Octomom: has her tentacles wrapped around all of us...

We love to beat on seemingly bad moms, and though Octomom may not be an intentionally “bad” mother, there are definitely signs that she does not exercise the best judgement. One sign might be that she added to her existing brood of 6 with another litter of 8 with no means to support them. Also, her mother says that she is a few cards short of a deck. The logical next step for her? Reality TV. She has purportedly been in discussions to launch a reality show in the UK.

Number 1: Joe The Plumber

Joe: kindly remit every minute of fame you have had beyond 15...

Joe the plumber emerged from obscurity as more of a concept than an actual person. Once we actually got to know Joe (aka Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher), his appeal as the symbolic everyman began to fade. His efforts to remain in the limelight by becoming a short lived war correspondent in Israel for Pajamas Media were ever more tiresome. Now, he has us hooked because we don’t know what he’ll do next. If only he would have just kept unclogging drains, the world would have been spared an unhealthy addiction to Joe’s comings and goings.

Top ten ultimate bikini goddesses

Ursula Andress, the actress, has been voted as the ultimate "bikini goddess" in a new poll of women. The Bond girl, best known for her bikini-clad entrance in the film Dr No, topped a star-studded list

Women also rated Kelly Brook's chest as looking the best in a bikini in the poll for the shaving product Gillette Venus Embrace

Picture: BIGPICTURESPHOTO.COM

Brigitte Bardot, who earned the nickname The Bikini Girl in the early sixties, was placed third

Picture: GETTY

Helen Mirren's fourth place was cemented by recent photos of her on holiday in her bikini where she showed age is no barrier to looking good in the outfit

Picture: MATRIXPHOTOS.COM

Halle Berry was in fifth place for her Bond girl role in Die Another Day, which imitated the Dr No scene in which Andress emerges from the sea in a bikini

The rest of the top ten included Myleene Klass after her white bikini appearance in I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here

Picture: ITV

Elle Macpherson came seventh, and was voted as having the best legs

Picture: INS/GOFFPHOTOS.COM

Megan Fox was in eighth place...

Picture: GQ

...and Giselle Bundchen at ninth. The bikini was invented in France in 1946 but took the world of beach fashion by storm after it started appearing in the US from 1949, becoming the outfit of choice for Hollywood starlets and actresses

Picture: SPLASH NEWS

Source & Credits: telegraph.co.uk

Top 10 Things Better Than Sex

While researching this article I found so many things listed as “better than sex” that I started to wonder why anyone bothers at all anymore…

We’ve had sliced bread for quite a few years now so I guess the saying “it’s the best thing since sliced bread” has lost it’s impact because the new catchphrase for the ultimate comparison is that it’s “better than sex”.

Of course some people prefer food to sex so I guess sliced bread is better than sex in some cases… Confused yet? Keep reading!

10. Housework?

Photo by by Ciorra Photography

Over 30% of women surveyed claim that “cleaning gives them more satisfaction than sex”.

These are the results of a survey of two thousand women for the National Housework Survey of Great Britain 2006. Regarding this survey, the Independent Daily reported that “even in an age when women are making economic strides and excelling in the workplace, the one thing that gives the majority a sense of empowerment is a good go around the house with the vacuum cleaner — followed by some cleaning and dusting.”

These must be the same women who don’t find Mr. Muscle or the Brawny paper towel guy the least bit distracting. I mean who wouldn’t like a ‘good go around’ with one of these guys?

9. Dating A Vampire

Uploaded by Roberto Rizzato ?pix jockey?

Fans of the book or the movie Twilight know that you can’t have sex with your vampire boyfriend or he will probably kill you in a passionate fit. But you’re willing to make that sacrifice because you just love him so much.

He’s so wonderful that it’s all worth it – he’s extremely handsome, drives an expensive car, and he actually glitters in the sunlight. (Now what teen girl isn’t a sucker for glitter?)

Did I mention that he might sneak into your bedroom and stare at you all night while you are sleeping? Or that he’s condescending, emotionally distant, and rather sarcastic? Oh, and his body is ice cold, he’s murdered people in the past, and his friends and family instinctively want to drink your blood?

But I don’t care, mom, he’s dreamy!

8. Weight Loss

Photo by Laura Jones

According to a survey at AOLHealth.com, 26% of the moms who participated would rather “lose 10 pounds” than “have more sex”. Even more of them (30%) would rather “make more money” (not surprising, since you don’t actually get paid anything to be a mom…).

7. Music

Photo by by Shery Han

Findings from a survey conducted by Marrakesh Records: “Music is hugely important… 60% of 16-24 year-olds would rather go without sex than music for a week. This increases to 70% for 16-19 year-olds.”

Okay, I now have this whole teen sex/abstinence thing figured out – the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) should only prosecute pregnant teens and their boyfriends for downloading music illegally, that should be more effective than Bristol Palin’s Abstinence Campaign! Once a few kids are prosecuted and word gets around, teen pregnancies will decrease (of course, music downloading may increase…)

6. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)

Photo by zetson

On the opposite side of the sex spectrum, I propose that IVF is better than sex if you’re trying to get pregnant…

Why take your chances with the genetic lottery system that is lovemaking when you can go embryo shopping with in vitro fertilization (IVF)? With IVF, you can get a Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) – described in an article written by William Saleton at Slate.com as “a technique for weeding out flawed embryos”. At first PGD was used to identify (and reject) embryos that had fatal infant diseases. It was also only offered to high risk couples. But now, it’s being used to select an embryo based on a much wider scope of criteria (gender, non-fatal diseases and disorders). Just imagine what the possibilities are going to be like in the future (hair color, IQ, athlethicism, etc).

Now why would any practical (and wealthy) person choose to have a baby the old way- where you don’t know what you are going to get- when you can create your own custom kid? Think of the children! Is it fair to send your natural spawn to school with a bunch of genetic super kids?

5. Sports

The term better than sex is described as “a euphoric experience, often food-related, quite similar to an orgasm. Usually used by women, as for most men there is nothing better than sex” (urbandictionary.com). Nothing except sports, that is –

Why sports are better than sex:
1. People watch and cheer when you score.
2. If you don’t like your team you can wait until your contract ends and then play with someone else.
3. You can count on it all season.
4. You can watch it going on in your local bar.
5. It lasts over an hour and might even go into over time.
6. You can have a coach on the sidelines while you are doing it.
7. Action replays.
8. Protective equipment can be washed and re-used.

Apparently a lot of people have spent a lot of time coming up with lists of reasons why various sports are better than sex. I guess if you’re not ‘getting any’ you have the spare time…

Why soccer is better than sex:
1. You can be on top for 80 minutes and still come in second.
2. You can score using your head or your feet.
3. Size doesn’t matter. (jokewallpaper.com, The O’Byrne Files http://homepage.eircom.net/~nobyrne/choc.html)

Why hockey is better than sex:
1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is common.
2. People still play hockey after they are married.
3. Periods only last 20 minutes.
4. You can change players on the fly.

Why juggling (…juggling?) is better than sex:
1. You can juggle your balls in front of your grandma.
2. You don’t need a partner.
3. There’s nothing wrong with having blue balls. (thespoof.com)

Of course if you are a professional juggler you might as well pretend you don’t like sex very much, because you probably have the opportunity… unless there’s a cute mime who has the hots for you, or perhaps a unicyclist –

4. Sleep

Video by DonovanGroup

According to the Sleep Well website based out of Stanford University there are at least ten reasons why sleep is better than sex.

Among them: “sleep can last a good eight hours (or more)” and “while sleeping you can have sex with anyone you want”.

UK website The Independent reported that “almost 80 per cent of Britons prefer a good night’s sleep to sex”. This comes from a study conducted by the Edinburgh Sleep Centre where “79.2 per cent [of over 8,500 people] admitted they preferred the thought of extra sleep to sex.”

Of course, this could be one of those win-win situations: if you make sleep your priority at night that might give you more energy for all sorts of activity during the day (hint, hint)…

3. Food

Photo by Bob.Fornal

Food wins out over sex in so many ways. Most obviously, because you can order it in or enjoy it all by yourself without being judged…

There are 326 recipes called “Better Than Sex Cake” at Cooks.com alone. There is also one recipe at the same site called “Almost Better Than Sex Cake” – I’m guessing this is by the one home chef who has actually sampled both?

Of course if you prefer cookies, here is a better than sex cookie recipe.

I’ve also never heard anyone use the saying, “eat your brains out”… In fact, many foods are actually good for your brain. An article at cnn.com cites a study at Wheeling Jesuit University (West Virginia) that indicates that chocolate can improve “memory, attention span, reaction time, and problem-solving skills”.

Not convinced? Compare this to having sex “on the brain”, which has the exact opposite effect, causing: forgetfulness, distraction, and the inability to think clearly.

Chocolate is also an aphrodisiac, so if you choose chocolate over sex you may still end up with both…

2. Cell Phones

A survey conducted by Dial-a-Phone, a cell phone retailer in the UK, reported that “24 percent of women, but zero percent of men, would rather give up sex than their mobile phone for a month” (itwire.com). This makes sense, since I’m sure at least 24 percent of women have realized that a cell phone is better than a man (or woman, if that’s your thing):

1. You never have to prepare meals for your phone: in fact, it will help you get food delivered.
2. You can tell a phone to be silent or choose to ignore a phone without hurt feelings.
3. You can turn a phone on several times in a row – it’s always ready to go and it’s energy will lasts for hours (if not, you can just replace the battery).
4. A cell phone doesn’t care if you talk while the basketball game is on. In fact, the cell phone will let you watch Pride and Prejudice for the 27th time instead, if that’s what you want.
5. It has a call history that you can easily access to see if anyone else is pushing your phone’s buttons.
6. A cell phone is a silent witness to your long chats with your friends and does not make any sarcastic comments about them afterwards.
7. A cell phone doesn’t keep you from asking for directions, in fact it will get them for you.
8. A cell phone is almost always in your car yet it never comments on your driving.
9. A cell phone set to T9 mode will hang on to your every word and anticipate what you are trying to say.
10. And there’s always that handy vibrate mode if you get lonely…

1. The Internet

Photo by Aghenor ITA

According to Judy Mottl’s article The Internet: Better than Sex?, an Intel-sponsored survey found that “46 percent of women and 30 percent of men would rather abstain from sexual activity for two weeks than go without Internet access for the same timeframe. The percentage spikes higher, to 49 percent, among women ages 18 to 34 years old and to a whopping 52 percent for 35 years old to 44 years old.” (wi-fiplanet.com)

Reasons given by the same article for why the Internet is so important:
1. The ability to stay in touch with family and friends.
2. More efficient shopping.
3. A better grip on personal/financial activities thanks to online services.

I’m pretty sure that making any of the above claims about your sex life would just get you into trouble!

Honorable Mention:

The Microwave -“A survey of 1000 Australian women found most women voted for the microwave as the most liberating invention of the past 30 years” says an article on Australian website news.com.au. This survey was sponsored by Lean Cuisine, the frozen meal company, so I find it a bit suspicious. The dishwasher came in second and the pill lower on the list. Australian microwaves must have different features than the ones around here. Or perhaps, if you stand in front of one long enough, you don’t need the pill?

Source & Credits: Toptenz.com