According to various women’s magazines, women are not just looking for a Brad Pitt look-a-like who’s rich, no the top 10 things they want in a man (and how you can get them), are the following:
1) Honesty
Once she read all his emails, she truely trusted him.
Apparently the number one trait women look for in a man is “honesty”, which is ironic because we would take a hot lying girl any day over an ugly honest one. Nonetheless when women say they want a man to be honest, what I think they really mean is, that they want us to give status updates throughout the day of our whereabouts so that they can be secure in the knowledge that we have not escaped their clutches. What I am almost certain they don’t mean is for us to say something like: “Yes, your bum does look big in those jeans. Put the Dairy Milk down.”
How to get: As any man knows the only way to make a women trust you implicitly, is to give her complete and unfettered access to your mobile phone, and also all the passwords to your email/Facebook accounts.
2) Intelligence
Playa!
Women can be quite demanding, and the second biggest trait that they look for in a man is “intelligence”. This of course flies directly in the face of the evidence available for anyone with eyes to see, for example: most professional athletes are not renowned for their intelligence yet seemingly are intelligent enough to get some of the hottest women in the world, whilst I never saw Stephen Hawking with no playboy bunnies. (Editor’s note: Unbelievably Stephen Hawking has not only been married but he also cheated on his wife! And I found that photo.)
How to get: It is a fact that 64% of facts are made-up, if a woman dares to question your intelligence, baffle her with a made-up realistic sounding fact. For example: Did you know that proportionally an ant is stronger than a diamond?
3) Nice Smile
This is why Americans do not believe in social healthcare
In fairness this is not just a trait that women look for a man, more really a trait that the world looks for in a man. No one wants to look at a gob like that dude from The Pogues (see picture).
How to get: Good dental hygiene is your friend here. Also whitening strips might give you that “Hollywood smile” to dazzle all-comers.
4) Sense of Humor
Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.
Daily readers may remember that a “Sense of humor” is also one of the foundations of being cool (see, How To: Be Cool), and it also what women state implicitly is one of the most attractive features in a man. As a stand-up comedian of limited success, I know first hand this to be a lie. Well at least if you want to attract hot chicks.
How to get: Some say you cannot learn to be funny, that is a lie. Carlos Mencia proves it. Thus following Carlos’ example feel free to steal jokes and pass them off as your own. Also witty comebacks are good for demonstrating your sense of humor. Unfortunately, often you will not be able to come up with your comeback quick enough. That is okay, when regaling your friends with your story about your razor sharp comeback, simply remember to omit this fact.
5) Manners
It would be remiss of me to not point out the spot on the chin
Good manners are a subtle non-verbal clue that you have been brought up well, and so therefore maybe rich, which women tend to like. Also manners are the easiest of all these traits to acquire.
How to get: Hold open doors, say please and thank you, don’t put your elbows on the table, use your knife and fork correctly. It is not necessary to throw your jacket onto a puddle though for a woman - that will just make you look weird. And leave you with an unwanted dry-cleaning bill.
6) Sensitivity
Sad face : (
Chicks dig “sensitivity” - I’ve seen it in lots of movies. Famously this was a trait portrayed by Brandon Fraser in the 2000 remake of 1967 classic “Bedazzled” starring a scandalously dressed Elizabeth Hurley, when he was trying to clinch the deal with his love interest. However “Bedazzled” also threw up some words of caution, women don’t want a man who is too sensitive. Women want a man who is willing to say puppies are cute but at the same time beat up anyone who dares to besmirch their honor.
How to get: Instead of laughing during Bambi, pretend to cry. Express your solidarity (verbally) with people in worse off situations than yourself. Also make donations to those “charity muggers” in the street when with a women, being sure to immediately cancel the direct debit when you get home.
7) Sincerity
Russel Brand is a sincere guy
I’m not saying that women lack a little of the #2 trait that they are looking for, but in my eyes honesty and sincerity are pretty much the same thing. Having said that cachungas would probably make it twice in a list of what men look for in women so…
How to get: See above.
8) Gainfully employed
Where do I sign on?
Translation: Be rich. Trust me, women would rather be dating a jobless millionaire than a hardworking fast food operative any day of the week. For your own well-being, a job is a good goal to aspire to, however any job should always been performed with the words of the late Bill Hick’s ringing in your ears: “It’s just a job man, you’re lucky I turned up.”
How to get: US: http://www.usajobs.gov/, UK: http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk, Rest of world: http://www.google.com
9) Has own place
Why don't we watch a "DVD"?
Whilst no one can doubt that having your own place would be nice, the reality is that more and more young people are being forced to live with their parents due to the current cost of renting/buying a home. In spite of that damning statistic (which I never actually gave you) the reason women tend to look for guys’ with their own place, is so that they can go back to theirs to “watch DVDs” - and by DVDs, I mean “make out”. So it is in your own benefit to flee your mother’s cock blocking lair.
How to get: Save up money, then check out craigslist.
10) Owns a car
*sigh* I want one
Women want a man with a car? Oh now they’re just pushing it! Who can afford to run a car in today’s current economic climate? As Eddie Griffin said: “Whatever happened to loving a gentleman* with a bus pass?”. I negate the need for a car by only dating women within the reach of public transport.
How to get: Other than doing a “GTA” and robbing a car, you can borrow your dad’s family saloon and look like the young hipster you are. Or you can simply say that your Porshe/Enzo/McLaren (delete as appropriate) is in the garage. Hopefully they wont check up on you.
* removed offensive racist word and replaced with a more family friendly term.