You see them everywhere. You spend equal amounts of time scouring the headlines looking for them as you do loathing their appearance in the news. You find yourself thinking more about them than close relatives. We are collectively going off the rails, and it is because of our dysfunctional relationships with certain ex-celebrities, never-were-celebrities and ex-politicians who’s fifteen minutes of fame have lasted an eternity.
People who won’t go away come in two flavors: The people who won’t let go, choosing to remain in the spotlight through any means at their disposal, and the people we won’t let go, because we have entered into a dependent pathological-culture-wide addiction to their various hodge-podge of idiosyncracies.
We need to break the habit, and we can’t consult Dr Phil cause he’s one of ‘em, To help you to know the enemy, here are the top 10 people that just won’t go away.
Number 10: Dick Cheney
America is safer with me on the talk show circuit...
All of the sudden, the quiet architect of W’s presidency is all about defending the administration’s legacy…and he is chatty as hell… Going anywhere he can find a microphone, talking about how the world is unsafe in Pax Obama. The truth is we aren’t sure, but we kinda just need this guy to just go away for a while. W took the hint, he is off towel-snapping and guying around with his secret service detail in seclusion on the ranch in Crawford.
Number 9: People Who Were Once On Survivor
Visions of my naked ass will haunt you for the rest of your days...
We just can’t get enough of reality TV, where normal people with limited talent are thrust into humiliating social experiments for our viewing pleasure…it is the modern equivalent of gladiatorial combat and someone’s dignity is guaranteed to be slain weekly.
From the painful mental image of Richard Hatch’s naked ass in the original season to the ongoing stories of his tax problems…the only way to rid ourselves of these celeb survivors is reunite them for Survivor: Hungry Shark Tank.
Number 8: Rick Astley
Just when you think Rick Astley is gone, a seemingly innocent piece of email comes across your desk with a Youtube link. Suddenly, you are watching the music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up”. You have been Rick-rolled.
When your name becomes a verb, you know that you are firmly embedded in the popular culture. Are we ever going to give Rick up?
Number 7: Bill Clinton
I will hang around forever, and each time you hear me speak I will sound more and more like a grumpy old man...
Just when you think that you have escaped talk of “Whitewatergate” and his “distinguishing characteristic“, out pops Bill Clinton on the national political scene, a little older, a little grumpier but ready to stump for anyone who will give him a podium. His efforts with the Obama campaign probably helped him land his new role as UN Envoy to Haiti. Long story short: he isn’t going away soon.
Number 6: David Hasselhoff
Ex-Knight Rider, Baywatch star and international pop sensation David Hasselhoff remains in our collective subconscious simply because we have never been able to fully digest his brand of cheesy. He has acquired a sort of cult following on the internet because of this culture wide case of celebrity indigestion.
Prediction: Hasselhoff becomes a bona fide star again by taking a page out of William Shatner’s self-deprecating humor playbook. In short, “The Hoff” isn’t going away soon.
Number 5: Paris Hilton
Meets all the criteria of being a talentless celebrity
Non-celebrity celebrity checklist:
Iconic or powerful parents: check
Rehearsed red carpet pose: check
Sex tape: check
No distinguishable talent: check
Number 4: Gene Simmons
Blood-spitting, tongue wagging, demon of a self-promoter...
A key member of the biggest sellout band of all time, it is no wonder that Gene has continued to promote his icky self in any way possible. At least we have been spared the sex tape you say? Not so fast
Number 3: Sarah Palin and her family
Get used to these faces...
A role model for geographically challenged Presidential hopefuls, Sarah Palin burst on to the national political scene tall on spunk and family values, short on in-depth understanding of the issues.
Add a Beverly Hillbilly-esque shopping spree on the GOP dime and a daughter that done got knocked up out of wedlock (so much for family values) and you have the recipe for our perverse fascination.
Number 2: Octomom
Octomom: has her tentacles wrapped around all of us...
We love to beat on seemingly bad moms, and though Octomom may not be an intentionally “bad” mother, there are definitely signs that she does not exercise the best judgement. One sign might be that she added to her existing brood of 6 with another litter of 8 with no means to support them. Also, her mother says that she is a few cards short of a deck. The logical next step for her? Reality TV. She has purportedly been in discussions to launch a reality show in the UK.
Number 1: Joe The Plumber
Joe: kindly remit every minute of fame you have had beyond 15...
Joe the plumber emerged from obscurity as more of a concept than an actual person. Once we actually got to know Joe (aka Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher), his appeal as the symbolic everyman began to fade. His efforts to remain in the limelight by becoming a short lived war correspondent in Israel for Pajamas Media were ever more tiresome. Now, he has us hooked because we don’t know what he’ll do next. If only he would have just kept unclogging drains, the world would have been spared an unhealthy addiction to Joe’s comings and goings.