What do you get when you mix sex, religion and copious amounts of free time? No, not televangelism, it’s the freak-sexy messed up world of Ancient Egypt. The logic of an Ancient Egyptian kind of goes like this:
“If something happens that I don’t understand, it’s magic. Also, sex is magic. Sweet, silky magic. Therefore, my junk is responsible for everything mysterious that happens.”
So, we give you the 10 Outrageously Sexual Ancient Egyptian Legends. They’re awesome. It’s weird Egypt is apathetic about Obama.
10. The Creation Of The World Through Self-Pleasure
According to many Ancient Egyptian texts, the God Amun created the world. One version of the story alleges he did this by “jerking off” into the Nile, thus creating his children. This is the clean version. The dirty version involves Amun blowing himself and spitting out his seed. Don’t judge him. If you were an infinitely flexible deity with no one else around and nothing to do, you’d try it.
So, this “spit seed,” it falls on the ground near the fertile banks of the Nile, and children are born. This is one of the most obscene metaphors for “male-female, morally-approved sex” in world history. Indeed, Amun was known as the father of not only the world, but the Gods as well. Let it forever be known that “hedge hogging” is a great way to move up the Ancient Egyptian deity ladder.
9. Set Vs. Horus In A Bugger-Off
The god Horus had a lifelong feud with the god Set. The real reason for this hatred is unclear, but probably had something to do with Set murdering Horus’ father and slicing him into many pieces. Horus and Set’s rivalry grew to such god-normous proportions, it begin to annoy the hell out of the other gods. Needing a resolution, Horus and Set decided to settle their rivalry the manliest way they knew how.
Take a moment to think of the manliest way a bet could be settled. What did you think of? Steel cage match with chainsaws? Both of you get eaten by polar bears, who then get eaten by alligators, who then fight to the death? Whatever you thought of, I bet it wasn’t as “Manly” as Horus and Set’s contest:
Whomever got their semen in the other first would win.
So, Set and Horus tried to have sex with each other. Horus tricked Set into thinking Horus’ fist was his… erm… chocolate star. After collecting Set’s seed in his hand, Horus threw it into the Nile. Then, Horus made Set a sandwich consisting of his favorite vegetable, lettuce (there’s no obscene metaphor, here, it was really a lettuce sandwich). However, Horus added a little of his own “special sauce” to the lettuce. Time came for the other Gods to see who had won this incredibly lame contest. Set claimed to have won, but Horus showed Set’s spunk in the Nile. Horus then showed the gods that his own man-juice was in Set’s stomach. The god’s had a hearty frat house laugh at Set’s expense, then promoted Horace to Intercontinental Champion, or whatever.
8. Menephta Pre-Enacts Sherman’s March, Except with Schlongs
Menephta was an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh who was a battle mastermind not unlike Genghis Khan or Ash from Pokemon. He led a monstrous victory against forces from Libya and someone only referred to as “Sea People.” We assume Aquaman was involved… and slaughtered mercilessly.
Menephta was obviously not content with the battle, which lasted a mere six hours. Needing more bloodshed and/or symbolism, he proceeded to methodically cut off the members of over 13,000 men. Returning home, he brought the entire bounty of “severed heads” with them, presumably creating the freakiest confetti parade in history.
7. Horus’ Mother Necro-Sexes Him Into Existence
You wonder how a god can get as dirty as Horus, who’s mastery of the Set screwing contest proves he’s the Loki of homosexual pranks and practical jokes. The answer is simple: Horus mother was a freak. Horus had the unique fate of being conceived after his father died. According to Egyptian legend, after Set killed Horus’ father, Set took Osiris’ body and chopped it into 14 pieces, probably as a joke.
Not content to magically manifest herself a line of Chippendale’s suitors, Isis found every piece of her dead husband, except one: his penis. In a hilarious twist that prove Ancient Egyptians know how to craft a good dick joke, Osiris penis was eaten by a fish. Creating a “magic penis,” Isis re-assembled Osiris’ body and copulated with it/him/ewww, creating Horus. Rumor has it that when egyptologists deciphered this story from Hieroglyphics on temple walls, they had to take a cold shower for three straight days.
6. All Dongs Go To Heaven
You may be saying to yourself, “Okay, but I bet there’s not another Egyptian legend that involves prosthetic phalli and dead people.” If so, you’re a miserable, stupid jerk. You’re wrong, too. As it turns out, Ancient Egyptians believed that sex was a strong part of the afterlife. So much that mummies were given prosthetic penises and nipples.
The theory behind this was that these artificial parts would be re-animated in the afterlife. That makes sense, as long as you have friends who like you and aren’t practical jokers. Imagine waking up in heaven with a giant giraffe-shaped animal balloon for a unit, or 430 erect nipples.
5. Pharaoh Floods The Nile With His Man-Juice
Imagine there’s a big festival every year, where everyone would celebrate and pray that you could ejaculate. Okay, all that pressure would probably hinder your performance and you would fail, which is why you’re not Pharaoh material. This perverted dream-come-true was a way of life for Pharaohs who followed the God, Min. Every year, a fertility festival would be held. The ejaculation of the current ruler was seen as a necessary event for the Nile to have its annual flood. We’re not sure if this is a direct correlation, but if you can flood the Nile with your fruit juice, you can be in charge.
4. Seven-Hundred-Thousand-Person Orgy because of… some Myth or Something
One day in Ancient Egyptian mythology, the God Sekhmet got really drunk. So drunk she apparently changed into a much mellower God, Hathor. To celebrate this, Egyptians got together by the pyramid-full and had a giant drunken orgy. Like, seven packed college football stadiums worth of them.
Some Egyptian wall paintings even depict drunk revelers puking all over the place (why would you carve puke on your wall? It’s hard enough getting real puke off of walls.) The weirdest part was that the drunk, sexed-out Egyptians wouldn’t sleep in late. Drummers would come and wake everyone up to pray for a year’s worth of protection from the Gods (and maybe a little “morning after” protection, too.)
3. Osiris And His Triple-Phallus
You can always spot Osiris in the restroom because he’s using three urinals at once. You see, Ancient Egypt was full of many people who believed lots of different things, so their was competition to be the head “thing that is believed.” So the mythical Gods constantly one-upped each other. At least, we can only assume this is the case for why Osiris has three huge penises.
You’d think a guy who had three times the junk under his hood would have his pick of all the women in the whole land. Instead Osiris decided he liked making it with a couple of his sisters. It can be surmised that his sisters might have had a reciprocating number organs, if you like surmising about that sort of thing, you sick freak.
2. Sex With A Goat Is Like Sex With A God
In a place called Mendes, the goat was considered to be a manifestation of the God of procreation. So, high priests and priestesses would mate with the goats. Doing so was considered mandatory to ensue a fruitful harvest the following Spring (or at least that’s what all the goat-buggers kept claiming.)
In fact, while researching this all-too-important factoid, our crack investigative team discovered an entire Wikipedia page devoted to human-goat sexual intercourse. We haven’t seen them since.
1. The Earth: Totally Trying To Bone The Sky
According to those who worshiped the God of Earth, Geb, the Earth itself constantly has a giant hard-on pointing directly at the sky. The naught, dirty sky loves it and apparently can’t stop getting busy with the Earth. To further murder any hope of effective symbolism, their father was the air caught in between them while they made it. It sounds gross, until you also deduce that they had the same father… then it becomes repulsive to Eraserhead-like proportions.
Because their father banished them from procreating, the God of Earth just lays there with his Mount Everest throbbing towards the sky. For those of you keeping track at home, anything wide and expansive, like the Nile or the Sky, was just a God’s vagina to Ancient Egyptians.
